I feel like every time I sit down to write a simple update it slowly (or not slowly) morphs into a theological essay written in the odd, multi-paragraph style that the dreaded emergent church likes so much. There's so much I think about each day but for now I think I'll keep it to personal developments. Or try.
It's been almost two months and not much has changed in the family drama department except that God had been really working in my heart to deal with my own emotions. I think for a long time I was so frustrated at so many people- hurt by so many people, and let those wounds grow both anger and bitterness. For the past month, it's been constantly brought to my attention that what does Hannah lack?
compassion.
It's a really hard line for me- the whole mercy/justice thing. I tend to err on the justice side of things, and so over the past few years I feel that I've become a lot more jaded, and unwilling to let God deal with people as He sees. Justice is important- and, I still firmly believe that we all, myself included- will have to answer to a Holy God for our lives. But for me- I need to have a tender heart. To be burdened with love. I used to be, far more than I was till recently. The scary thing is that when you truly care about someone- friends and family, then their sin, or betrayal- whatever, hurts you. It hurt, and is hurting me.
Once I realized that the combination of my personal investments in relationships and skewed views left me feeling that way: it went down like this.
1-anger and sadness, as well as incredulousness.
2- withdrawing from those people
3-God intervened: catalysts from His word and people in my life- reminding me that God is BOTH Justice and Mercy. Perfectly balanced.
4- Slowly but surely, God is working on my heart. My hardened, damaged, hurt and tired heart. And- none of those adjectives matter, because:
1: He is healer
2: He is teacher
3: He is the animating force of my life. When I am self-reliant- I cannot function. I cannot do what I love to do, I cannot serve. I cannot love- I cannot reach out to people and show them hope, because I am not relying on my Hope, who is Christ Jesus.
So this is where I am now. Jason and I are living in Evanston, IL, which is the first suburb North of Chicago. It's the most liberal area I have ever been, and I'm pretty sure it's super liberal on any scale. It's definitely a change for me and way outside what I've ever experienced. So busy, so materialistic, so- city, so crowded- crazy stupid drivers, and people who've never seen mountains. So- growing time.
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| Photo I took in Alaskan Mountains.... |
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| My new local. |
Jason and I are soon to become members of an awesome church based out of Chicago-land, Harvest Bible Chapel, with senior pastor being Pastor James MacDonald. The preaching is outstanding. I'm finally getting to know people- finding friends in the area at last. I don't feel quite so alone or overwhelmed. It's really amazing- so good for me and my personal, real- relationship with God. Something that was lacking- and needed renewed.
Jason and I are realizing that not only is God directing Jason towards Seminary (no leads yet as to where or which one... we'll see) but that God is leading us both towards lives of full time ministry. That's awesome, and terrifying. It also requires us to recognize that our jobs- the careers that he might have been looking at before, while doing the seminary thing on the side? is all shifted now. Now, those are all secondary. And that's how it should be: following God, allowing Him to lay down the pieces of the plan as we step out in faith.
But wow- is that scary. Strange. But every time I look back at my life, I know this:
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| imagine with less pixilation, please |
which is Ebenezer, in Hebrew. It means "Thus far, God has not failed." I've always planned on getting that as my third tattoo, we'll see if that actually happens. But my life is fully of ebenezers- moments, people, events and circumstances that I can look back on and know without a shadow of a doubt: God is looking out for me, God is providing for me, God is with me, God will not abandon me.
What are some of your ebenezer moments?
