Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Pretty sure that's a napkin of some sort on my head. 

30 days

Day 1:

Fireweed blooming in the background: Homer Alaska- my real hometown. 

1- I'm from Alaska, and have had a hard time adjusting to calling anywhere else home. There's no place that I miss more.
2-I'm a Christian, and believe that every day's goal is to die to self and become more like my Savior, Jesus Christ.
3- For the first time in my life, I'm not in a rigorous academic environment, and have found that I still have a deep passion for learning.
4-I majored in Psychology, and have a deep love for discussing both neurobiology as well as social psych theories and practices.
5-I love to drive: I've driven many long roadtrips. The longest and stupidest so far was 1200 miles in one straight drive alone. The longest one was from Alaska-Canada-Colorado-Michigan.  There was a time span of about 5 or 6 days that I didn't shower or change clothes and just slept in my car. It was fantastic.
6-I've had both "cushy" and manual labor jobs: selling high priced jewelry, hosting million dollar honors at my college, ditch digging and placing water pipeline in 100 degree heat. I learned a lot from both types.
7- May of 2010 was a crazy month for me: I took finals, graduated from one of the most difficult colleges in the country, got married, took a road trip honeymoon and moved to Chicago all in a matter of two weeks.
8-I don't have a lot of people that I've known for a very long time because I've moved a lot- my only true roots are to my faith and to my state.
9- I really hate wearing socks. And shoes. But especially socks.
10- I'm really lousy at beauty-related things: I don't even know how to blowdry my hair. I don't even own a blowdryer. This is more related to my laziness than anything else.
11-Most people think I'm much older than I am: I had to grow up fast. For this reason, I have a lot of child still within me- and I plan on keeping it that way.
12- I love to read books of just about any kind. But I cannot seem to borrow library books and not get a fine. This record has not been broken in the past 7 years.
13-I have PCOS: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (more about that on my health blog here) Between all the family drama that has happened the past 8 months, I haven't had a whole lot of time to deal with it.
14- I have a goddaughter named Brylie, whose mom is getting married soon in Virginia.
15-I really like to do 'housewifey' things like make beaded jewelry, earings, scrapbook, cook, organize. I never thought that I would say that about myself, but life is a constant journey of discovery.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Personal Growth Update...

I feel like every time I sit down to write a simple update it slowly (or not slowly) morphs into a theological essay written in the odd, multi-paragraph style that the dreaded emergent church likes so much. There's so much I think about each day but for now I think I'll keep it to personal developments. Or try.

It's been almost two months and not much has changed in the family drama department except that God had been really working in my heart to deal with my own emotions. I think for a long time I was so frustrated at so many people- hurt by so many people, and let those wounds grow both anger and bitterness. For the past month, it's been constantly brought to my attention that what does Hannah lack? 

compassion. 

It's a really hard line for me- the whole mercy/justice thing. I tend to err on the justice side of things, and so over the past few years I feel that I've become a lot more jaded, and unwilling to let God deal with people as He sees. Justice is important- and, I still firmly believe that we all, myself included- will have to answer to a Holy God for our lives. But for me- I need to have a tender heart. To be burdened with love. I used to be, far more than I was till recently.  The scary thing is that when you truly care about someone- friends and family, then their sin, or betrayal- whatever, hurts you. It hurt, and is hurting me. 

Once I realized that the combination of my personal investments in relationships and skewed views left me feeling that way: it went down like this. 

1-anger and sadness, as well as incredulousness. 

2- withdrawing from those people

3-God intervened: catalysts from His word and people in my life- reminding me that God is BOTH Justice and Mercy. Perfectly balanced. 

4- Slowly but surely, God is working on my heart. My hardened, damaged, hurt and tired heart. And- none of those adjectives matter, because: 

1: He is healer

2: He is teacher

3: He is the animating force of my life. When I am self-reliant- I cannot function. I cannot do what I love to do, I cannot serve. I cannot love- I cannot reach out to people and show them hope, because I am not relying on my Hope, who is Christ Jesus. 

So this is where I am now. Jason and I are living in Evanston, IL, which is the first suburb North of Chicago. It's the most liberal area I have ever been, and I'm pretty sure it's super liberal on any scale. It's definitely a change for me and way outside what I've ever experienced. So busy, so materialistic, so- city,  so crowded- crazy stupid drivers, and people who've never seen mountains. So- growing time. 

Photo I took in Alaskan Mountains.... 

My new local. 

Jason and I are soon to become members of an awesome church based out of Chicago-land, Harvest Bible Chapel, with senior pastor being Pastor James MacDonald. The preaching is outstanding. I'm finally getting to know people- finding friends in the area at last. I don't feel quite so alone or overwhelmed. It's really amazing- so good for me and my personal, real- relationship with God. Something that was lacking- and needed renewed. 

Jason and I are realizing that not only is God directing Jason towards Seminary (no leads yet as to where or which one... we'll see) but that God is leading us both towards lives of full time ministry. That's awesome, and terrifying. It also requires us to recognize that our jobs- the careers that he might have been looking at before, while doing the seminary thing on the side? is all shifted now. Now, those are all secondary. And that's how it should be: following God, allowing Him to lay down the pieces of the plan as we step out in faith. 

But wow- is that scary. Strange.  But every time I look back at my life, I know this: 

imagine with less pixilation, please

which is Ebenezer, in Hebrew. It means "Thus far, God has not failed." I've always planned on getting that as my third tattoo, we'll see if that actually happens. But my life is fully of ebenezers- moments, people, events and circumstances that I can look back on and know without a shadow of a doubt: God is looking out for me, God is providing for me, God is with me, God will not abandon me. 

What are some of your ebenezer moments? 

Perspective

Perspective is something that is important, and I get constantly frustrated with myself about. My natural tendency is to be incredibly self-involved, and this is not what I want, nor who I should be. It's not even fun or really has any true allure to it, so in this instance- denial of self isn't even something that should seem difficult.

What perspective do I want? I want one where I remember daily, or better yet, every minute, why my life exists. Why I am who I am, and why I have been given the awesome and incredible gift of not being meaningless, having purpose, and beyond that, able to have joy. Not happiness, but joy. And there is definitely a difference.

It was this same battle that led to the design of my first tattoo. I started writing it on my wrist my junior year of high school in typical high-school fashion, with black sharpie. I did it every day until my freshman year in college, and had decided to get it inked when one of my best friends offered to give me the tattoo as a birthday present. Thus it happened, and I've not regretted it once. Not even when it was a little itchy right afterwards.

So what is it's meaning? What's so important that it's something I know I'll never regret getting permanently underneath my skin? In a place that some would say is fairly visible?

As stated before, I'm a prideful person. I like to make lots of little plans in my head, and I like to analyze things. Personality tendencies are no excuse, when I know better. And my entire life, I'll be fighting- as Christians would say, to deny the desires of my flesh and be transformed to desire the things of God. 

In those moments when my confidence and security in my identity crosses the line to attitudes of superiority, and being judgmental, when my plans are simply self-centered, and when my analysis is not for the benefit of self-sacrifice and seeking wisdom but overly critical thoughts and unnecessary doubts: this is why I got the tattoo.

It's a reminder of so many aspects of Christ. What it means to be a Christian, especially in my own struggles. Who Christ is, and what His plan is, and where I fit into it.

It's two parts. Part 1:
the line is greater than the dot.
It's more like math than art. I love symbolism, (note I make a distinction between symbolism and ritual), and there's a great deal behind this. I am the dot. Essentially, my life only has meaning, and is worth anything when it's in the perspective of something greater than myself- the will and desire of God. What matters is His plan, and my life should be oriented around Christ and His priorities. Not my own. It's about seeking wisdom, and living in a way that is beyond mediocrity, beyond blending. The line is straight and narrow, it's exclusive, it can be offensive, it's powerful. God can take something broken, that  is useless and doesn't have much of a purpose ( I could have said point, but that's a horrible pun).

Part 2:
Upwards facing transparent arrow. 


This is a reminder that my life is not my own, and consequently I don't want my life to bring attention to myself, but rather point to God. The design indicates that the important part- is what the arrow is pointing at, not the arrow itself. Simple, and it's purpose is to be invisible. As noted before- this isn't something that comes naturally to me. But it's something I desire very much.

Scripture that specifically influenced my thoughts on my design include:

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 1 Peter 4:2 

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4: 1-6

It's been over 3 years since I inked this permanently on my left wrist. Every day I've failed to live what it means, but that is not the end. Failure is not how this story ends. It's a daily struggle, with this promise giving me hope.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians3:20-21