Personal Growth Update...

I feel like every time I sit down to write a simple update it slowly (or not slowly) morphs into a theological essay written in the odd, multi-paragraph style that the dreaded emergent church likes so much. There's so much I think about each day but for now I think I'll keep it to personal developments. Or try.

It's been almost two months and not much has changed in the family drama department except that God had been really working in my heart to deal with my own emotions. I think for a long time I was so frustrated at so many people- hurt by so many people, and let those wounds grow both anger and bitterness. For the past month, it's been constantly brought to my attention that what does Hannah lack? 

compassion. 

It's a really hard line for me- the whole mercy/justice thing. I tend to err on the justice side of things, and so over the past few years I feel that I've become a lot more jaded, and unwilling to let God deal with people as He sees. Justice is important- and, I still firmly believe that we all, myself included- will have to answer to a Holy God for our lives. But for me- I need to have a tender heart. To be burdened with love. I used to be, far more than I was till recently.  The scary thing is that when you truly care about someone- friends and family, then their sin, or betrayal- whatever, hurts you. It hurt, and is hurting me. 

Once I realized that the combination of my personal investments in relationships and skewed views left me feeling that way: it went down like this. 

1-anger and sadness, as well as incredulousness. 

2- withdrawing from those people

3-God intervened: catalysts from His word and people in my life- reminding me that God is BOTH Justice and Mercy. Perfectly balanced. 

4- Slowly but surely, God is working on my heart. My hardened, damaged, hurt and tired heart. And- none of those adjectives matter, because: 

1: He is healer

2: He is teacher

3: He is the animating force of my life. When I am self-reliant- I cannot function. I cannot do what I love to do, I cannot serve. I cannot love- I cannot reach out to people and show them hope, because I am not relying on my Hope, who is Christ Jesus. 

So this is where I am now. Jason and I are living in Evanston, IL, which is the first suburb North of Chicago. It's the most liberal area I have ever been, and I'm pretty sure it's super liberal on any scale. It's definitely a change for me and way outside what I've ever experienced. So busy, so materialistic, so- city,  so crowded- crazy stupid drivers, and people who've never seen mountains. So- growing time. 

Photo I took in Alaskan Mountains.... 

My new local. 

Jason and I are soon to become members of an awesome church based out of Chicago-land, Harvest Bible Chapel, with senior pastor being Pastor James MacDonald. The preaching is outstanding. I'm finally getting to know people- finding friends in the area at last. I don't feel quite so alone or overwhelmed. It's really amazing- so good for me and my personal, real- relationship with God. Something that was lacking- and needed renewed. 

Jason and I are realizing that not only is God directing Jason towards Seminary (no leads yet as to where or which one... we'll see) but that God is leading us both towards lives of full time ministry. That's awesome, and terrifying. It also requires us to recognize that our jobs- the careers that he might have been looking at before, while doing the seminary thing on the side? is all shifted now. Now, those are all secondary. And that's how it should be: following God, allowing Him to lay down the pieces of the plan as we step out in faith. 

But wow- is that scary. Strange.  But every time I look back at my life, I know this: 

imagine with less pixilation, please

which is Ebenezer, in Hebrew. It means "Thus far, God has not failed." I've always planned on getting that as my third tattoo, we'll see if that actually happens. But my life is fully of ebenezers- moments, people, events and circumstances that I can look back on and know without a shadow of a doubt: God is looking out for me, God is providing for me, God is with me, God will not abandon me. 

What are some of your ebenezer moments? 

Soap Opera's are believable.

There are about 15 blog posts that I've started, saved to draft, and left linger in the dashboard screen- not yet ready to complete them.  A lot has happened in the past two and a half months- physical, emotional, mental changes, some of which seemed to come out of nowhere with tremendous force. Life is full of pendulums.


 A friend of mine from high school recently said something that will stick with me: 

 Sin's first lie is not that something bad is good, but that something good can replace God. 

About two weeks after Jason and I returned from our honeymoon, some family drama erupted, and hasn't really been quiet since. Not going into details, but I can say for 100% that I will never make fun of sitcoms for having unbelievable plot lines. Those kind of things DO happen to real people, and they CAN happen in that fast of a timeline.  Heavy hitting stuff- the kind of permanent damage that splits families, isolates individuals, initiates serious soul searching, or the opposite of serious denial and running away. Stuff that has roots in sin lasting longer than 10 years. 

Seriously: These are now totally believable. Who knew? I wonder if they have real

 people send in their tragic life stories for plot ideas. 

I'm someone who sees things in fairly black and white. Right and wrong. 
Unfortunately, that usually means I'm a judgmental jerk. How easy it is for me to focus on the cup half empty. 
Hence I am struggling, because: 

Never before have I seen, so directly- the consequences of unwise choices. 

Never before have I seen so obviously illustrated the power of sin, and that it truly leads to destruction. 

Never have I been more convinced of how essential it is to hold people accountable, to ask the hard questions-to have people in your life who will ask you the hard questions. People who will follow up,  invested in your life and desiring results. Being active instead of passive. 

So knowing that these things are in fact, so important, and life changing, how do you both act in the love of Christ- being Christian charity, having mercy, and forgiveness, and yet truly valuing seeking the Lord, and what is glorying to Him?


Paul says in Romans that we should not sin that grace may abound- not taking advantage of the grace that Christ offers. Sin matters to God. Making the most of our time matters to God. Being wise matters. And far too often seeing the standard that the Lord has called us to, so that we may be worthy of His name- is fairly easily discerned. 


One of my favorite books is The Best Question Ever. I read it perhaps my sophomore or junior year in high school, and since all the recent family drama have come back to reading it. It dramatically changed my life- causing me to examine how I approached every area of my life, and why I did so. It is why I can say I have had few regrets from finishing that book until now. Every regret, or mistake I have made-could have been avoided had I followed what I learned in that book. 


The book simply elaborates on one of my favorite passages of Scripture, Ephesians 5:16-17. 
      Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 


The best question ever is this: What is the wise thing to do? 


So many people plan their lives, with goals, ambitions- we all have some idea of what we want our lives to amount to. But too often people get trapped in relationships, debt, and sins- because they didn't plan not to. 


Relationships are probably the easiest area to see the consequences of unwise choices. Everyone has seen it. Guy meets girl, there is attraction, but some underlying issues where it's fairly obvious that A- no sort of relationship should be pursued, B- they should wait to pursue a relationship. For any number of reasons- one isn't single, one has some sort of personal drama or growth needed, etc. For Christians a reason would be if one is not a believer.
But how does it play out? If there is no plan to NOT fall into deeper attraction, or deeper emotional involvement, then our hearts lead us astray. Our spare moments seem to be always around the other person, and sooner or later, we realize we crossed a line somewhere. 


 Fill in the same scenario with whatever you wish; pride, drugs, alcohol, jobs, etc. It's why so often people who hang out with people with bad habits pick up and incorporate those same habits. The point remains the same- choices matter, and small choices add up pretty fast. The way to best get where you want to be and avoid where you don't is to plan and live with wisdom. 


People who are serious about becoming a better person, by any standard- or also a better Christian, pay attention to who they spend their time with. They seek out people of integrity, and make an earnest attempt to examine their own lives. 


I'd rather have friends who are concerned with the living with wisdom, both in their lives and in mine. I married a man who won't let me get away with things, and who listens to me when I call him out as well. 


Relationships are an essential part of human life. They are some of the most influential aspects as well. Keeping close watch on who you allow to influence you is incredibly worthwhile. 


I don't usually end these things with a question- I'd rather treat a blog as my own personal venue for sharing things I've learned- the hard way or the easy way, but to any who may read this, I'd greatly appreciate your input. 


would you share any advise? For living with wisdom, for holding yourself to a godly standard, and also for how to handle the balance of holding others to standards but doing so out of love?  How to not get discouraged? how to encourage? how to not be judgmental? 

Drink Mango Tea: Class of 2010

Mucho Mango Arizona Tea... isn't that great. But sometimes when you have no other options left, you go for one that you know you can somewhat stand. At least you have something to drink when it's really hot outside.

I was sitting, drinking the mediocre tea and it occurred to me that the class of 2010 is in that same situation.  My class will have the highest unemployment rate to date. And, to top that off, besides competing with many of our other skilled peers for not many job positions, many companies are thinking of requiring at least one years work experience. Gee. How... nice.

My take on this?

It's our time.  To prove that we're not too proud to take the jobs where they are. To drink the Mango Tea.

To take the jobs we can get, try to find better ones, but not be ashamed or unwilling to take the job working as cashiers, manual labor, the stupid intern- whatever it may be, despite the promise of jobs when we went into college. Jobs with prestige and salaries.

I am glad I went to college. I'm also infinitely glad that I learned to not make my work ethic dependent on college.* Instead, to be able to work diligently and take the opportunities whether or not I deserve better. I've endured some of the most horrid and random jobs out there, from ditch digging, selling fine jewelry, childcare, road flagger, Home Depot employee, tour guide, hiring and training, etc. None of those are necessarily what I want my career to be, but that's not the point.




*Some would argue it's better out of college...

In Memory of a Massacre

Cross Country Terror.

Rumors of Victims.  

                           

The world will never be the same.  

It was the most murderous gun rampage in U.S. history: 32 people dead, more than a dozen injured.It was the most murderous gun rampage in U.S. history: 32 people dead, more than a dozen injured.

Textbook case killer, he was called...

Hours, days spanned before we knew...

Facebook support groups emerged... with devastation.


I was a freshman at Hillsdale then, here in Michigan, approximately 700 miles from Virginia. I lived in Virginia for about 9 years or so, going to a Christian, classical, private school there from 5th grade until graduation. It was difficult, it was small, and I still have some amazing friends that I speak to often, even now years and years later. I'd decided to go to college out of state, where many of my friends decided to go with state tuition, and VA does have many amazing colleges and universities.

I got out of American Heritage, with Dr. Mitchell, an exhausting day. I don't remember what time it was, but I got out of class in a rush having noticed I'd missed many calls from friends back home, something a bit odd for a Monday afternoon. I called Sara, my best girlfriend back...

"Hannah! have you heard from Andrew? Is he ok? What about Shawn??"

"Huh? What are you talking about... " 

lost and confused could not even beging to describe trying to put the pieces together of the snippets of things I was hearing.  What she babbled to me all in a rush was if I had heard from Andrew because of the massive shooting that was going on, or had happened at Virginia Tech that morning. At that point, there was so much confusion as to what was the state of things... if the shooter was alive, if there was more than one, how many victims, etc.  The Andrew she mentioned was my crazy but awesome friend Andrew, who she mistakenly thought went to Vtech, but who attended UVA.  That was an amazing relief, knowing he was safe. Shawn also did not attend Vtech, she was glad to remember... 

I was standing outside of Lane Hall, on the grass. It was warm outside, the sun was shining. Students were milling about, I could hear their idle chatter in the background. But I was no longer a part of this campus. I was processing what I had just realized; what the others did not know but soon would- how the world would never be the same. 

->That a student at a major, popular and highly respected university had constructed a plot to kill as many students and faculty as possible,

  and had succeeded. 

I didn't know how many yet, except that even initial counts put it as the highest body count and bloodiest school shooting to date. It was beyond history, it was a massacre. 

Through the grapevine of our school, I also slowly found out that all my former schoolmates were safe and had not been harmed. I secluded myself in my room to watch news reports, scan all aspects of the media to learn as much as I could. I'd never felt so distanced and so stranded from where I wanted to be. 

Such research revealed a horrifying thing... there were a number of students still missing and unaccounted for, among them Nicole White, a friend from the youth group at my church. 

Facebook groups emerged with urgents calls to pray for her, and I stayed glued to it's updates from the people who were more connected. Phone calls were exchanged, but as every minute passed, it was soon known to us what was soon announced: Nicole had been in the class that Cho Seung-Hui had attacked. 

I don't think I went to class for the next two days. Too much had happened, too much to process, and being separated from my friends and family who were in pain and taking part in a state-wide period of grieving was surreal.  I felt kind of stranded in Hillsdale, where people were shocked but distinctly separate, and moved on with feelings of 

"I'm so glad that wouldn't happen here"  

"If anything like that started, enough Hillsdale people would have guns to stop him!"

Ah yes. The whole question of gun control then came up again, and again, and again. How did Seung-Hui make it through the screening? 

So many questions of how this could have been avoided. If Seung-Hui was such a textbook case, then why weren't his threats taken more seriously? How did people not notice? Or was that part of the problem to begin with- that he had gone completely unnoticed by his peers, step one of alienating him entirely from the people he soon planned to murder. 

Antisocial Personality Disorder- that all that there is to say about the cause for the tragedy? I don't think so. 

But at this time, I'm laying aside the questions my major has equipped me to ask and sometimes answer. It's a time to remember, to honor the legacy of those who were killed, and to join with their families, who will not be able to forget or truly move on. It's another aspect of perspective... 

realizing the world that we live in is sometimes volatile, and our lives can be changed in an instant by someone we may never have known or interacted with, but when lives collide, cannot be undone. It's a harsh remembrance that life is unpredictable, nothing really is for sure as long as it is in the hands of mankind. 

so live with meaning. 

Ugh, exhausted.

I'm sitting here wearing a pirate flag as a cape.
It's simply necessary, that's all I know how to describe it.

What a busy, tiring weekend. Thankfully today is only Saturday, so tomorrow I can rest some?

SO many wedding details tackled. And I'm blessed enough to have a wonderful fiance who will actually help me make decisions, or just simply make them when I'm past caring or just can't. Shopping for decorations. Measuring stages. Buying fabric. Packing up all my kitchen stuff so I don't have to sort it later. Boxing it. Carrying it. It... doesn't seem to end. My energy and patience sure do though...

Practicing hair and make up for the big day. Thank God, my friend Shannon is doing that. She's amazing. I don't have to stress about money or someone who won't know me and my style (whatever that is, honestly...)

I still haven't managed to unpack from Spring Break, from which I got back Monday. Not that difficult... you'd think.

Jason was here for a good bit of the week, it was fantastic. I'm tired of the traveling, tired of the phone calls and text messages. It's been over three years now, and I'm simply, ready to be his wife. To be done with this long distance.

Someone recently asked me how I handle the long distance relationship, and it made me realize I was in one. Gee, but honestly, after Alaska, with the 5,000 miles and 4 hour time difference when both of us were working, Chicago to Hillsdale when we talk everyday and I see him maybe twice a month- never occurred to me to be distance.

well, I hate it now. I won't see him again until the Graduation/Wedding weekend, which now the count is a month to.

We've grown so much in the Lord, in listening to Him and figuring out our priorities. We've seen the best and yes, the worst in each other. Well, ok, not quite maybe, but definitely close. We've been wise, we've been foolish, we've definitely been silly. I'm tired of the waiting, very close to being tired of planning, and I'm looking forward to our most average and uneventful days, or weeks even.

A month is a long time when you have this much to do. It definitely requires a cape.

Perspective

Perspective is something that is important, and I get constantly frustrated with myself about. My natural tendency is to be incredibly self-involved, and this is not what I want, nor who I should be. It's not even fun or really has any true allure to it, so in this instance- denial of self isn't even something that should seem difficult.

What perspective do I want? I want one where I remember daily, or better yet, every minute, why my life exists. Why I am who I am, and why I have been given the awesome and incredible gift of not being meaningless, having purpose, and beyond that, able to have joy. Not happiness, but joy. And there is definitely a difference.

It was this same battle that led to the design of my first tattoo. I started writing it on my wrist my junior year of high school in typical high-school fashion, with black sharpie. I did it every day until my freshman year in college, and had decided to get it inked when one of my best friends offered to give me the tattoo as a birthday present. Thus it happened, and I've not regretted it once. Not even when it was a little itchy right afterwards.

So what is it's meaning? What's so important that it's something I know I'll never regret getting permanently underneath my skin? In a place that some would say is fairly visible?

As stated before, I'm a prideful person. I like to make lots of little plans in my head, and I like to analyze things. Personality tendencies are no excuse, when I know better. And my entire life, I'll be fighting- as Christians would say, to deny the desires of my flesh and be transformed to desire the things of God. 

In those moments when my confidence and security in my identity crosses the line to attitudes of superiority, and being judgmental, when my plans are simply self-centered, and when my analysis is not for the benefit of self-sacrifice and seeking wisdom but overly critical thoughts and unnecessary doubts: this is why I got the tattoo.

It's a reminder of so many aspects of Christ. What it means to be a Christian, especially in my own struggles. Who Christ is, and what His plan is, and where I fit into it.

It's two parts. Part 1:
the line is greater than the dot.
It's more like math than art. I love symbolism, (note I make a distinction between symbolism and ritual), and there's a great deal behind this. I am the dot. Essentially, my life only has meaning, and is worth anything when it's in the perspective of something greater than myself- the will and desire of God. What matters is His plan, and my life should be oriented around Christ and His priorities. Not my own. It's about seeking wisdom, and living in a way that is beyond mediocrity, beyond blending. The line is straight and narrow, it's exclusive, it can be offensive, it's powerful. God can take something broken, that  is useless and doesn't have much of a purpose ( I could have said point, but that's a horrible pun).

Part 2:
Upwards facing transparent arrow. 


This is a reminder that my life is not my own, and consequently I don't want my life to bring attention to myself, but rather point to God. The design indicates that the important part- is what the arrow is pointing at, not the arrow itself. Simple, and it's purpose is to be invisible. As noted before- this isn't something that comes naturally to me. But it's something I desire very much.

Scripture that specifically influenced my thoughts on my design include:

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 1 Peter 4:2 

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4: 1-6

It's been over 3 years since I inked this permanently on my left wrist. Every day I've failed to live what it means, but that is not the end. Failure is not how this story ends. It's a daily struggle, with this promise giving me hope.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians3:20-21

Easter (Pascha)

O God,
who for our redemption gave your only-begotten Son
to the death of the cross,
and by his glorious resurrection
delivered us from the power of our enemy:
Grant us so to die daily to sin,
that we may evermore live
with him in the joy of his resurrection;
through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever. Amen.

I believe Easter to be the most important of the Christian holidays, because upon the Resurrection of Christ rests all the tenets of Christianity. If Christ did not raise from the dead, then he was born, lived, and died, as a man, and not as God Incarnate. If He did not come back to life, then He did not conquer Hell and hold the keys of Hell in His possession. Greatly simplified, but yet true: If He does not live, then we cannot. 


Today is Easter, or Pascha for those who may appreciate liturgy. It is the end of the 40 day season of Lent, and the beginning of the season of Easter. A time of great rejoicing and celebration! A time to remember that He is no longer on the Cross, but rather He has risen (He has risen indeed!).  

Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 

²so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.  1 Peter 4:1-2

 I opened this entry with the Anglican collect for Easter. It is relatively short, but contains so much we need to remember for this amazing celebration. We cry out to God, our Sovereign Father who has made this possible. We remember that God's purpose and gift, that is offered to us, is redemption, made possible though the shedding of innocent blood. This is due to the Old Testament laws, where the forgiveness of sins is only made possible through blood. The only possible way to redeem humanity was unblemished perfection as a a sacrifice. Christ.

And, through His triumph over sin, over the powers of Hell, delivers and justifies us. The doctrine of justification- our new verdict, when our lives are not judged on the merits of our own sins and righteousness, but upon those of our Savior. Our enemy is two-fold, our own sin nature which before we were enslaved to, and the power of the devil to whom we were in bondage before being freed.

Our response should then be to live, now that we have been truly given life. We are no longer a being who is held captive to our human desires and our passions. Christ finished and conquered sin. It is no longer our chief desire or our aim. This then, should be our calling, our desire to live! To live with joy! An exhilarating freedom, because He is no longer on the cross. He has made the payment, once and for all. He is alive, and in Heaven reigning with the Father and the Holy Spirit, the blessed Trinity.

Praise be to Him on high. Live with purpose, joy, thankfulness, confidence: your life has been bought at a price, and, my fellow Christians, you are free.

Planes, Sunshine and Mountains

This is: 

the first spring break that I haven't had to drive 14ish hours one way to get to my destination. 

the first time I haven't gone "home"

the first time I've seen mountains since... August

the first time I've seen my mother since August

the first time I've had a spring break where I can legitimately relax (for the most part)

the first spring break involving a hot tub

the second time I've been in this area of Colorado

the last spring break I have before I get married

my last spring break. 

It's amazing how the mountains make me feel calm, collected, and yet surpassingly excited. I think I could stare at them for hours, take hundreds of pictures, and still be ready for more. The contrasts of colors, lights, air, sounds, it's amazing, and I'll never lose my love for them. I am so happy!

This semester I've tried to recount my experiences in college, especially some of the ones that have really influenced me. One of my conclusions (more of those later on), is how exhausting college is, and that in the business, I forget to mention how excited I am most of the time. I hate getting distracted by stuff that doesn't matter much, that is just... silly. 

It's great to see my mom, and it's so awesome to be in Colorado. The sky is so blue, the mountains so snowy and perfect, and not to mention that I got to see a wild turkey today, and they look pretty funny. 

Time for sleep. Relaxed, peaceful sleep. 

Thankful

Right now I'm constantly aware of the power of time.

I'm on the edge of drastic changes in my life- all coming right at once

1->I'm graduating college and leaving the rigid academic structure that I've known for most of my life.
2->I'm getting married and leaving the single life which I've known my entire life despite been in serious relationships for a decent part of it by societies definitions (I suppose?)
3->I'm moving to a city and leaving the culture of life I've ever known.

And... again, these will all happen in the course of 2-3 weeks. Wow.

Needless to say, when people ask me how I am, how things are going, etc., I'm kind of at a loss for words. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't anyone? How do I necessarily describe what it feels in the calm before some sort of whirlwind? Especially when the "calm" is really the last few months of my senior year at a crazy difficult college that isn't calm at all...

I'm bracing myself for change, and I'm very excited. I'm also very scared. Putting the balance into feelings, words, or actions just seems impossible.

My options then remain to go about every day as I know I... should? and do as much as I can. But the certainty of each day is this: thankfulness.

So what am I thankful for?

-right now... spell check.

-late starting mornings when I'm up till 3:30 writing

-friends- not just acquaintances. People who are willing to be a friend even when they see me for who I am.

-my siblings who've allowed me to adopt them into my life and have done likewise

-my amazing fiance, who not only puts up with me but is excited to share the rest of our lives together as a grand adventure as best friends :)

-rain

-free laundry.

-God's forgiveness- someone who sees my every sin and flaw and doesn't turn me away or worse is still and will be- the most amazing thing ever.

-long walks

-freedom

-my church. I'd be nowhere without it.

-being able to sing

-having lots of different job experiences

-Spring break next week- going to go see my Mom in Colorado is going to be amazing and so, so necessary!

-whiskey on the rocks: slowly sipped, contemplatively

-salsa

-shotgun class

-people who bother to actually get to know someone

-stuffed animals

-my car, and the chance to make long road trips or just go driving

-nail polish

-restraint. I'm thankful that I'm not a slave to my desires, because then I'd end in ruin.

No going back...

I'm getting married in less than 100 days. At this exact point in time, I'm not really sure how many days- I don't really keep count to be honest. We're doing intense pre-marital counseling, thankfully- lots of hard questions tasked about each other and ourselves. Why would I submit myself to such rigorous examination, to ask the questions I may not want to answer... and share them with people?

Because marriage matters. Aside from the concept and decision of salvation, it is most probably that getting married is the most important decision I can make. And a while ago, I had to answer this question, and it's resonated long with me until now, when I feel the need to address it.

Question: What are your thoughts regarding divorce? Are you willing to make a commitment that you will not be able to turn back from?

I believe that Scripture is pretty clear on the issue of divorce. The only two possibilities for permissible divorce are on the instances of adultery, and then if one spouse is not a Christian, and decides that it is not a relationship they desire any longer.

So that leaves me at the second part of the question: are you willing to commit- and never to turn back? To choose one person, and to seal the deal in permanent ink?

My first thought is that I'm glad it didn't ask me if I was ready. Tonight, and most likely only tonight- I seem nervous. The serious nature of marriage is huge. It's beyond what I thought I understood before, and I thought I understood it pretty well back then.

God bothered- to design a metaphor for His most precious act in all of human history. He designed it in a tangible way that we can not only witness, but participate in- truly experience. We can feel, we can act, we live marriage. Marriage is the metaphor for the Savior of this fallen world, Jesus Christ, and the act of redeeming his Church, those who have placed their faith, trust, and lot with Him. Jesus is described as the Bridegroom, the church is His bride.

In studying what the Bible says about marriage, what the 'world' says about marriage- I'm simply at a loss for words. Something so serious: lasts forever, and should be representative of the relationship Christ has with His church. Thus, married people are tasked with two seemingly impossible tasks:

1- stay together.

2- stay united in love and submission.

Not only do they have this duty to each other, but upon entering the Covenantal relationship of marriage, they are partaking in something that makes them a public witness. They are an example to Christ's names. Now, as individuals, Christians should already be aware of such a responsibility. But as married people- it's compounded. And also compounded in difficulty.

It's early morning, almost 3am. And I'm having one of those moments where my feelings are overriding what I know, what I believe- what is true. I know that the task before me is possible, and infinitely wonderful, an incredible blessing. But right now it seems daunting, and so, so scary. And it makes me wonder how I can really know if I'm ready for such an amazing, terrifying thing.

Analysis...

I'm new at this. I'm not known for my skill in correctly using the English language, both in speech and in writing. But I'm willing to give it a try.

I'm someone who thinks that self-analysis should be a constant thing, but because I'm a Christian I also believe that the standards we're held to are found in Scripture. That being said, New Years is my favorite holiday. I grew up in a home that was very chaotic, culminating in high school years that I still haven't dealt with completely. Summarized it involved a my parents broken marriage, addictions of family members to heavy narcotics and alcohol (don't ever mix them) and enduring physical and psychological abuse throughout high school. It tore my family apart, and left me with deep scars, a few physical but mainly emotional and psychological. Because of that, I have pretty strong negative associations with traditional family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. So during those painful times, when I felt utterly alone, I claimed New Years as my own. The ray of hope over things I'd like to leave behind.




I love Christian holidays. But it was New Years that back then when I decided that it represented hope. I clung to it rather desperately, seeing it as the celebration as that same nerdy feeling of a blank journal or perfect piece of notebook paper. Celebrating change, especially because at one point in my life, the only hope I had was that things would change someday. My best friend at the time told me that one day I'd be able to look back on this part in life and realize that God sustained me, and got me through it.

So here I am. It's January, and I'm alive. And New Years is still my favorite holiday, because it reminds me of my personal battles that God has fought for me. And, I'm one of those way-too-annoying people who loves self-analysis. New Years is one of the few times in the year when I get to share that with people around me, even extended to complete strangers. It's a season of reflection and change. And having meaningful discussions, sometimes even if it seems obvious that they won't work to establish and seek out any new goals for the coming year.

Finally, I have to say that New Years is one day. But this should be a daily thing- self-examination, and seeking to become who we should be. But it's only truly celebrated on one day of the year. So this year- I hope to be able to follow this post with goals described and then completed. I don't see life as one big checklist, but it helps me put things in perspective.