Summary of Sept-Jan

This is the obligatory post that says "I haven't blogged since... July? August? who knows when, and now I'm back." You'll notice that I left out that I'm sorry I left it so sadly neglected.

The fact is, that when real life gets too busy to chronicle it in the digital life, that may be a sign to pay attention to reality. Notably, so many things are worth recording, and sharing- and there are many things I wish I had! But I am not that great at juggling so many things, so I had to choose.

So, what happened since my last post?

She always wanted to see lava in Hawaii,
so my dad took her there last Christmas. 

- September: I visited my mom in Colorado, didn't go so well. Ended up having to leave early and returned discouraged and frustrated. Once I returned, a major opportunity opened and I became a small group leader for young women in our church. We currently meet Wednesday's in Jason and my apartment. The immense joy, growth, and blessing that comes from this is beyond words, and clearly beyond summarizing.

-October: my grandmother, Lois; passed away from a heart attack and stroke. I flew up to Alaska just in time to be with her and family when she died, and to help take care of some of her affairs. I learned a lot about the legal and medical side of death, and again witnessed the further evidences of my family being broken apart.

-November: Celebrated a relatively quiet month- meaning no flying and relatively no travel. Had a very nice Thanksgiving with friends and their family. Meanwhile, my parents divorce was scheduled to be finalized literally the day before Thanksgiving, and due to my mother having to go the emergency room- did not finalize.

-December: My father's Christmas gift to Jason and I were tickets to Alaska. So for Christmas and New Year's we got to fly there and spend time with my dad's side of the family, whom Jason had never met- since he had never been to Alaska and none of them were able to come to our wedding. It was a love/hate trip: I was so excited to see family and to show Jason Alaska, which will always have a part of my heart. I am tied to that place more than any place on this earth, though these past two years have been God growing me; to the extent that saying I am tied to any place on this earth really doesn't mean much anymore. And yet the trip was one of the most stressful I have ever experienced, as continued sin leads to pain,  hurt, discouragement, anger, frustration, brokenness, blindness, stubbornness, and further destruction of my family.

-January: Jason and I returned home to Chicago, both remarking on the miracle that Chicago is, indeed home for us. We returned exhausted, struggling to recover from the emotional and physical weariness, and yet full of joy. Returning to our church, our friends (mainly from our small groups)- was the most encouraging thing that could have helped us. Once again, God was clear in that our time here in Chicago is focusing on our growth, His process of sanctification in our lives and that our church is why we are here. We've been unpacking, sleeping, working. This weekend Matthew, Jason's younger brother is in town visiting so they can attend our church's Men's Conference together- what a blessing!

Reading those posts, it sounds so incredibly- without hope or without joy. And I need to be absolutely clear that that is not the case! The past few months have been busy, full, sometimes with good and often with pain. However, through them we have only seen more and more of how faithful God is. That He has revealed Himself to us in new ways; His truth, provision (financially, with mentors and leaders, a church body that constantly convicts, edifies, encourages and prays for us, with friends who help us) and most of all: that He has lead us through all of it. Scripture tells us that life is difficult, that we will have trials! And that these are to grow our faith.

I can testify that my faith is growing. I know that through every single painful conversation, through every single incredibly awkward moment, through the bleak state of things- that God is with me, and is bringing me through all. I know that He is building in me a powerful testimony that I have faith will be used to inspire and help others, just as He used others to help and inspire me.

 I know that Jason and I would not trade these months for anything.
I'd also like to share the testimony of a guy I go to church with. May it bring you hope and remind you of the power of the God we serve.


God at Work - Alex Callaway from Harvest Bible Chapel on Vimeo.

Honoring parents: when it's difficult

I know that I have lots of things to catch up on with this blog, and I am thrilled to be entering fall, a season of (hopefully) less travel so I can have some time at home. 
However, I wanted to post about something the Lord has been teaching me this past year; along with how to be more loving, more gracious- more generous. The prompt was a blog post from my pastor, James Macdonald, found here. It's on honoring your parents; something with which I've always struggled. 

It's also been an issue that I've seen continually come up in my women's small group; the puzzle of honoring parents, even when they're in sin; or aren't Christians, so their counsel may not always be best or wise. What does it look like to disagree with your parents but still honor them, and honor Christ? 
His article helped clarify some of those things, at least for me. 


First he starts out with what it doesn't mean- and I hurt for individuals who have been wounded by their parents; physically or psychologically, or even taken advantage of financially. I personally know quite a few people who have had to deal with serious things because of their parents: and then wondered, how can I still be honoring to the Lord? How can I love my mother or father without enabling them? Or without putting myself at risk? 

First, honoring our parents does not mean to go back groveling and seeking their approval (again). Children need to get freed from my-parents’-approval bondage.

Secondly, it does not mean to make yourself vulnerable to their hurtful behavior. Sometimes appropriate boundaries between children and abusive parents are necessary. But the need for that boundary does not free us from the obligation of honoring our parents. 

Thirdly, honoring our parents does not mean ignoring or denying the past.  

At the end of the day; this is what I have really learned, and what I hope to hold fast to. 

It means choosing to place great value upon our relationship with them. It means not kidding myself into thinking that my parents don’t matter to me. It involves taking the initiative to improve the relationship whatever its current condition. And it means recognizing what they have done right. You say, “They haven’t done a lot right.” They have done something right, even if it’s little more than giving you life (that’s big). So, express that recognition. Acknowledge the sacrifices that they have made for you. Honoring includes seeing them as Christ does, with compassion and mercy. It means forgiving them as Christ has forgiven you.

This past year one of the key verses that I've returned to time and time again has come from 

How will they know unless we show them? 

2 Timothy 1: 6-7: " Therefore, I remind you to keep ablaze the gift of God that is in you through the laying on of my hands: For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment." 
 Through the power of the Holy Spirit alive within me: I have a supernatural capacity for love. I draw my capability for human interaction not from myself! It's not coming from my own strength or energy, but rather the Holy Spirit is the gap between what God calls and desires of me, and what I can do on my own. 


Through studying this, and earnestly seeking to be a more loving person- I have seen my heart be changed. I feel like I have been freed from a callous and jaded temperament, and am able to really serve now. I can get out of the way, when my human and wicked desires prompt me to be cruel or self-serving, or even to react focusing on my hurt when wronged. 


Again, it comes back to the perspective of how to live: Glorifying our Savior, Jesus Christ. In All things. 


" Now the end of all things is near; therefore: be clear headed and disciplined for prayer. Above all, keep your love for one another at full strength, since love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. Based on the gift they have received, everyone should use it to serve others, as good managers of the varied grace of God. If anyone speaks, his speech should be like the oracles of God; if anyone serves, his service should be from the strength God provides, so that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To Him belong the glory and power forever and ever. Amen. " 

1 Peter 4:7-11

This Saturday I am flying to Colorado to see my mom! First time I have seen her since my wedding, nearly a 1 1/2 years ago. She's had some rather serious health issues, and is having a knee surgery in Denver. I'll have the privilege to help her out after her surgery, hopefully to encourage her, help her recover, but more importantly; honor her and honor Christ. I go knowing that I will be strengthened to do this by the same God that wants me to do it. He is always faithful. 

Wedding: Jody Lent and Rachel Keller

For a season, Jody Lent was in my life everyday.

Jodi and Jody: two dear friends of mine. One scary,
 one even more scary. Who is who depends on the day.

 Our last year of college was spent together a great deal, no one wants to eat at the college cafeteria, and no one wants to eat alone. It was a practical arrangement: we'd take our trips to Wal-Mart and Kroger together, he would often provide ingredients for meals I would cook for both of us.

We'd spend evening sitting on the roof outside my room talking about everything- past, present, future... our weaknesses and our strengths. Both of us were going to live in Chicago post-graduation, so we knew it was a friendship that would last beyond the alma mater.

 When I got married, Jody did one of the kindest things for Jason and I, and moved all of my stuff to our new apartment in Chicago: including carrying it up to the second floor. His gift to us was not letting us pay my share of the u-haul. What a blessing!

Recently Jody was married in Cleveland, to an incredibly cheerful woman named Rachel. Jason and I were both in the wedding, even though when I was asked- I'd never met the bride! It was the sort of thing one does knowing glimpses of the future: of knowing of all of our entwining paths in Chicago.

The wedding weekend was really full: we were staying in Akron, with our good friends the Facklers, at their grandparents house on the lake. It was so beautiful, and definitely was one of the highlights of the summer thus far. I got to feed baby ducks, swim in a beautiful lake, and witness fireworks under the stars. It's almost impossible to see stars in Chicago.

But we were there as witnesses to their wedding. For Jason and I, this wedding was different than most others this summer, for the simple reason that instead it being a culmination of many things we've already witnessed and been a part of, it was the beginning.

Photo by Rob Lent

We didn't know Rachel. But we knew we would. We hadn't seen their lives grow together, leading to engagement and marriage, but we knew we would see the next steps. We hadn't even seen Jody and Rachel interact much, since a great deal of their relationship was long distance until the wedding... but we knew we would.


We know we will.

I'm back

all from your friendly lost in a city girl

July was such a busy month that I didn't have time to record my journeys here. But I do have catch up to do! Coming soon:

-Recipe: homemade hummus from raw chick peas
-Recipe: grilled and baked summer squash pizza with goat cheese sauce
-Currently reading: updates on those books I've been tackling
-Neat finds: thrift store victories
-Weddings: Cleveland and Columbus
-My life: updates on family, and how the Lord has drawn me into ministry in my church
-The ongoing song challenge
-A fun new thing: interviews! I hope to post interviews with some newly married couples, those about to be, and  the current Miss Cook County, etc.
-health updates
-new skill: sewing! The ongoing learning process.

Stay tuned. It's going to be a great August.

Things you need in a friend.

One of the many things I love about being a Christian is that it's so unifying. To a Christian, the most important thing and person in our lives is Jesus Christ, and the bond between people who love Jesus doesn't matter if they've ever met before. 


We all stand equal in God's eyes, no matter how long we've been a Christian, no matter what we've done in the past or will do in the future, our backgrounds, our circumstances, nothing puts us on better or worse standing in the presence of God, and in His church. 

Tonight I had the lovely experience to gain a new Christian friend, who reminded me in so many ways of how precious friends are. A true friend is one who loves; one who sees your triumphs and failures and still loves you completely out of the grace of Jesus Christ. And you don't have to have known people for a very long time to know if the love of Jesus is the driving power in their life. 
And, if it is- it's a wonderful foundation of a friendship. When you have in common the most important thing your life, the things you may not have in common are far less important or divisive. Age, culture, education, careers, even language barriers! etc- far less essential than knowing, loving and following Jesus and serving Him. 


 Being focused on the world to come puts this temporary world in the correct perspective. Christian friends help you keep that focus. Seek them out! They are so valuable, and essential. We cannot fervently follow Christ by ourselves: we need accountability, encouragement, and to work together for His kingdom. 

Lord, keep our eyes heavenwards as you direct our hands and feet towards this world. 

A change in Perspective: An Event I can't ever Forget

They (statistical scientists) say it takes Americans about 3 months to forget things that occur on a national scale, including momentous things. By forget, this study meant- move on in a somewhat daily routine, returning to a pattern of behavior where the momentous event is not part of thought. 

I heard this 10 years ago, meaning that I learned it right before 9/11. I remember wondering if in 3 months how much would have returned to resemble the pre-9/11 USA, and to a certain extent it happened.  To an extent it's natural, inevitable- healthy. To some extent, it reveals the selfishness of our society and lives. 

We live in a world so inundated by forms of news- television broadcasts, newspapers, magazines, and all forms of internet social media that push word of mouth happenings at seeming lightning speed. I myself regret to admit that I get most of my news first from twitter. I'll stick to that though, because it works surprisingly well, though it will never be reliable or replace well done journalism. But the amount of news we have, updated by the second- it's always pushing us forward- what will happen next? How does this impact the next steps? In a globally connected world- any event is the springboard for a whole web of "what's nexts?" I wonder how soon the 'what's nexts' overshadow the original event. 

But today, I'm not talking about 9/11 or the news that Bin Laden is dead that our President announced last night. I've realized that I've made a step in incorporating a momentous event in my everyday lifestyle. And it's thrilling me! 

What I'm talking about is the Resurrection of Jesus Christ! 

By all standards, this should have been forgotten long ago. Our lives should go on without really thinking that God became man, took our sins upon himself, dying as a pure sacrifice, and rose from the grave. 

Even for myself, this was something that I "knew" but have had so much trouble really believing- meaning that it's a belief so hugely essential to who I now am- a Christian.  My daily life should be defined by reflecting the love of God who provided grace and mercy to provide a new verdict for my life: no condemnation for those found in Jesus Christ.  

This past Easter celebration Sunday some things "clicked" in my perspective. Joining with thousands in joyful shouts that our Savior is ALIVE, and that Hell has no victory, and death no sting... I felt as if the eyes of my soul were opened further to the Truth of Jesus Christ. Never have I been so joyous, so bursting with excitement, hope- life.

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!
Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is Risen From the Dead- Matt Maher

Nothing else is as wonderful as this.  The Gospel is priority One. There are a ton of other things in my life- some are good, some are less good- but regardless, none are as valuable, as beneficial, worth my time and efforts as Jesus Christ is, and the things of His Church. Something I'd known semantically, but intrinsically- my priorities have always been wrong. It's always been a battle, and it always will be- but now I'm further equipped, out of joy and love to cast aside all else. 

I can finally see things much closer to how I should: instead of seeing a thing for if it's good or bad, I see things in "how much is this about Jesus?" My energies should be about Jesus. He's indescribable. I want to spend my thoughts and energies working on describing Him, instead of on lesser things. He saves us- I want to proclaim His Glory rather than things that don't. 

The most obvious change I've seen in myself is that I've been seeing a boldness I didn't know I possessed, and it's one that is stemming naturally out of a mind that is more and more enthused with my Savior. I've been cutting things out of my life that aren't about Him; and as a result all I want to talk about is Jesus. I'm also more and more using His Name: a name of Power, of Salvation- so much more.  I'm less and less worried about my coworkers who would be made nervous about knowing and interacting with a crazy Christian, but more and more concerned that they don't know Jesus. 

Not very traditional: but amazing- are these photos from Mars Hill Church in Seattle, which held one of the largest church services in the country- at Quest Field. Multiple Mars Hill campuses came together, along with thousands of new attenders, reaching over 17,000. Over 600 baptisms occurred. This is a church that I'm well familar with: solid doctrine, solid Gospel preaching: solid Scripture. And it's these faithful churches that are being blessed- and Jesus Christ is growing His Church. 

Flickr stream of service photos: baptisms!

Christ is Risen: Can you See it?

My own church campus had over 40 people speak to pastors about beginning a new relationship with Christ. There is nothing more wonderful than being part of a thriving, healthy- solidly built upon the cornerstone of Jesus Christ. I am excited to be a witness to the baptisms that are coming! 

A momentous event that is still remembered. 

And for me- now more and more tied into my daily attitudes and actions. 

This is the work of Christ in me: " He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

"'Why are you looking for the living among the dead?' asked the men. 'He is not here, but He has been resurrected!'" Luke 24:5

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.


TIme Management. 
It all comes down to this... no matter how much motivation or ambition you have- if you don't have discipline to back it up you end up spending the day accomplishing nothing. 

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Elisabeth Elliot, one of the outstanding women of present-day Christianity, is the author of more than twenty books, including Passion and Purity, The Journals of Jim Elliot, and These Strange Ashes.

30 days

Day 1:

Fireweed blooming in the background: Homer Alaska- my real hometown. 

1- I'm from Alaska, and have had a hard time adjusting to calling anywhere else home. There's no place that I miss more.
2-I'm a Christian, and believe that every day's goal is to die to self and become more like my Savior, Jesus Christ.
3- For the first time in my life, I'm not in a rigorous academic environment, and have found that I still have a deep passion for learning.
4-I majored in Psychology, and have a deep love for discussing both neurobiology as well as social psych theories and practices.
5-I love to drive: I've driven many long roadtrips. The longest and stupidest so far was 1200 miles in one straight drive alone. The longest one was from Alaska-Canada-Colorado-Michigan.  There was a time span of about 5 or 6 days that I didn't shower or change clothes and just slept in my car. It was fantastic.
6-I've had both "cushy" and manual labor jobs: selling high priced jewelry, hosting million dollar honors at my college, ditch digging and placing water pipeline in 100 degree heat. I learned a lot from both types.
7- May of 2010 was a crazy month for me: I took finals, graduated from one of the most difficult colleges in the country, got married, took a road trip honeymoon and moved to Chicago all in a matter of two weeks.
8-I don't have a lot of people that I've known for a very long time because I've moved a lot- my only true roots are to my faith and to my state.
9- I really hate wearing socks. And shoes. But especially socks.
10- I'm really lousy at beauty-related things: I don't even know how to blowdry my hair. I don't even own a blowdryer. This is more related to my laziness than anything else.
11-Most people think I'm much older than I am: I had to grow up fast. For this reason, I have a lot of child still within me- and I plan on keeping it that way.
12- I love to read books of just about any kind. But I cannot seem to borrow library books and not get a fine. This record has not been broken in the past 7 years.
13-I have PCOS: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (more about that on my health blog here) Between all the family drama that has happened the past 8 months, I haven't had a whole lot of time to deal with it.
14- I have a goddaughter named Brylie, whose mom is getting married soon in Virginia.
15-I really like to do 'housewifey' things like make beaded jewelry, earings, scrapbook, cook, organize. I never thought that I would say that about myself, but life is a constant journey of discovery.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Personal Growth Update...

I feel like every time I sit down to write a simple update it slowly (or not slowly) morphs into a theological essay written in the odd, multi-paragraph style that the dreaded emergent church likes so much. There's so much I think about each day but for now I think I'll keep it to personal developments. Or try.

It's been almost two months and not much has changed in the family drama department except that God had been really working in my heart to deal with my own emotions. I think for a long time I was so frustrated at so many people- hurt by so many people, and let those wounds grow both anger and bitterness. For the past month, it's been constantly brought to my attention that what does Hannah lack? 

compassion. 

It's a really hard line for me- the whole mercy/justice thing. I tend to err on the justice side of things, and so over the past few years I feel that I've become a lot more jaded, and unwilling to let God deal with people as He sees. Justice is important- and, I still firmly believe that we all, myself included- will have to answer to a Holy God for our lives. But for me- I need to have a tender heart. To be burdened with love. I used to be, far more than I was till recently.  The scary thing is that when you truly care about someone- friends and family, then their sin, or betrayal- whatever, hurts you. It hurt, and is hurting me. 

Once I realized that the combination of my personal investments in relationships and skewed views left me feeling that way: it went down like this. 

1-anger and sadness, as well as incredulousness. 

2- withdrawing from those people

3-God intervened: catalysts from His word and people in my life- reminding me that God is BOTH Justice and Mercy. Perfectly balanced. 

4- Slowly but surely, God is working on my heart. My hardened, damaged, hurt and tired heart. And- none of those adjectives matter, because: 

1: He is healer

2: He is teacher

3: He is the animating force of my life. When I am self-reliant- I cannot function. I cannot do what I love to do, I cannot serve. I cannot love- I cannot reach out to people and show them hope, because I am not relying on my Hope, who is Christ Jesus. 

So this is where I am now. Jason and I are living in Evanston, IL, which is the first suburb North of Chicago. It's the most liberal area I have ever been, and I'm pretty sure it's super liberal on any scale. It's definitely a change for me and way outside what I've ever experienced. So busy, so materialistic, so- city,  so crowded- crazy stupid drivers, and people who've never seen mountains. So- growing time. 

Photo I took in Alaskan Mountains.... 

My new local. 

Jason and I are soon to become members of an awesome church based out of Chicago-land, Harvest Bible Chapel, with senior pastor being Pastor James MacDonald. The preaching is outstanding. I'm finally getting to know people- finding friends in the area at last. I don't feel quite so alone or overwhelmed. It's really amazing- so good for me and my personal, real- relationship with God. Something that was lacking- and needed renewed. 

Jason and I are realizing that not only is God directing Jason towards Seminary (no leads yet as to where or which one... we'll see) but that God is leading us both towards lives of full time ministry. That's awesome, and terrifying. It also requires us to recognize that our jobs- the careers that he might have been looking at before, while doing the seminary thing on the side? is all shifted now. Now, those are all secondary. And that's how it should be: following God, allowing Him to lay down the pieces of the plan as we step out in faith. 

But wow- is that scary. Strange.  But every time I look back at my life, I know this: 

imagine with less pixilation, please

which is Ebenezer, in Hebrew. It means "Thus far, God has not failed." I've always planned on getting that as my third tattoo, we'll see if that actually happens. But my life is fully of ebenezers- moments, people, events and circumstances that I can look back on and know without a shadow of a doubt: God is looking out for me, God is providing for me, God is with me, God will not abandon me. 

What are some of your ebenezer moments? 

Drink Mango Tea: Class of 2010

Mucho Mango Arizona Tea... isn't that great. But sometimes when you have no other options left, you go for one that you know you can somewhat stand. At least you have something to drink when it's really hot outside.

I was sitting, drinking the mediocre tea and it occurred to me that the class of 2010 is in that same situation.  My class will have the highest unemployment rate to date. And, to top that off, besides competing with many of our other skilled peers for not many job positions, many companies are thinking of requiring at least one years work experience. Gee. How... nice.

My take on this?

It's our time.  To prove that we're not too proud to take the jobs where they are. To drink the Mango Tea.

To take the jobs we can get, try to find better ones, but not be ashamed or unwilling to take the job working as cashiers, manual labor, the stupid intern- whatever it may be, despite the promise of jobs when we went into college. Jobs with prestige and salaries.

I am glad I went to college. I'm also infinitely glad that I learned to not make my work ethic dependent on college.* Instead, to be able to work diligently and take the opportunities whether or not I deserve better. I've endured some of the most horrid and random jobs out there, from ditch digging, selling fine jewelry, childcare, road flagger, Home Depot employee, tour guide, hiring and training, etc. None of those are necessarily what I want my career to be, but that's not the point.




*Some would argue it's better out of college...

In Memory of a Massacre

Cross Country Terror.

Rumors of Victims.  

                           

The world will never be the same.  

It was the most murderous gun rampage in U.S. history: 32 people dead, more than a dozen injured.It was the most murderous gun rampage in U.S. history: 32 people dead, more than a dozen injured.

Textbook case killer, he was called...

Hours, days spanned before we knew...

Facebook support groups emerged... with devastation.


I was a freshman at Hillsdale then, here in Michigan, approximately 700 miles from Virginia. I lived in Virginia for about 9 years or so, going to a Christian, classical, private school there from 5th grade until graduation. It was difficult, it was small, and I still have some amazing friends that I speak to often, even now years and years later. I'd decided to go to college out of state, where many of my friends decided to go with state tuition, and VA does have many amazing colleges and universities.

I got out of American Heritage, with Dr. Mitchell, an exhausting day. I don't remember what time it was, but I got out of class in a rush having noticed I'd missed many calls from friends back home, something a bit odd for a Monday afternoon. I called Sara, my best girlfriend back...

"Hannah! have you heard from Andrew? Is he ok? What about Shawn??"

"Huh? What are you talking about... " 

lost and confused could not even beging to describe trying to put the pieces together of the snippets of things I was hearing.  What she babbled to me all in a rush was if I had heard from Andrew because of the massive shooting that was going on, or had happened at Virginia Tech that morning. At that point, there was so much confusion as to what was the state of things... if the shooter was alive, if there was more than one, how many victims, etc.  The Andrew she mentioned was my crazy but awesome friend Andrew, who she mistakenly thought went to Vtech, but who attended UVA.  That was an amazing relief, knowing he was safe. Shawn also did not attend Vtech, she was glad to remember... 

I was standing outside of Lane Hall, on the grass. It was warm outside, the sun was shining. Students were milling about, I could hear their idle chatter in the background. But I was no longer a part of this campus. I was processing what I had just realized; what the others did not know but soon would- how the world would never be the same. 

->That a student at a major, popular and highly respected university had constructed a plot to kill as many students and faculty as possible,

  and had succeeded. 

I didn't know how many yet, except that even initial counts put it as the highest body count and bloodiest school shooting to date. It was beyond history, it was a massacre. 

Through the grapevine of our school, I also slowly found out that all my former schoolmates were safe and had not been harmed. I secluded myself in my room to watch news reports, scan all aspects of the media to learn as much as I could. I'd never felt so distanced and so stranded from where I wanted to be. 

Such research revealed a horrifying thing... there were a number of students still missing and unaccounted for, among them Nicole White, a friend from the youth group at my church. 

Facebook groups emerged with urgents calls to pray for her, and I stayed glued to it's updates from the people who were more connected. Phone calls were exchanged, but as every minute passed, it was soon known to us what was soon announced: Nicole had been in the class that Cho Seung-Hui had attacked. 

I don't think I went to class for the next two days. Too much had happened, too much to process, and being separated from my friends and family who were in pain and taking part in a state-wide period of grieving was surreal.  I felt kind of stranded in Hillsdale, where people were shocked but distinctly separate, and moved on with feelings of 

"I'm so glad that wouldn't happen here"  

"If anything like that started, enough Hillsdale people would have guns to stop him!"

Ah yes. The whole question of gun control then came up again, and again, and again. How did Seung-Hui make it through the screening? 

So many questions of how this could have been avoided. If Seung-Hui was such a textbook case, then why weren't his threats taken more seriously? How did people not notice? Or was that part of the problem to begin with- that he had gone completely unnoticed by his peers, step one of alienating him entirely from the people he soon planned to murder. 

Antisocial Personality Disorder- that all that there is to say about the cause for the tragedy? I don't think so. 

But at this time, I'm laying aside the questions my major has equipped me to ask and sometimes answer. It's a time to remember, to honor the legacy of those who were killed, and to join with their families, who will not be able to forget or truly move on. It's another aspect of perspective... 

realizing the world that we live in is sometimes volatile, and our lives can be changed in an instant by someone we may never have known or interacted with, but when lives collide, cannot be undone. It's a harsh remembrance that life is unpredictable, nothing really is for sure as long as it is in the hands of mankind. 

so live with meaning. 

Perspective

Perspective is something that is important, and I get constantly frustrated with myself about. My natural tendency is to be incredibly self-involved, and this is not what I want, nor who I should be. It's not even fun or really has any true allure to it, so in this instance- denial of self isn't even something that should seem difficult.

What perspective do I want? I want one where I remember daily, or better yet, every minute, why my life exists. Why I am who I am, and why I have been given the awesome and incredible gift of not being meaningless, having purpose, and beyond that, able to have joy. Not happiness, but joy. And there is definitely a difference.

It was this same battle that led to the design of my first tattoo. I started writing it on my wrist my junior year of high school in typical high-school fashion, with black sharpie. I did it every day until my freshman year in college, and had decided to get it inked when one of my best friends offered to give me the tattoo as a birthday present. Thus it happened, and I've not regretted it once. Not even when it was a little itchy right afterwards.

So what is it's meaning? What's so important that it's something I know I'll never regret getting permanently underneath my skin? In a place that some would say is fairly visible?

As stated before, I'm a prideful person. I like to make lots of little plans in my head, and I like to analyze things. Personality tendencies are no excuse, when I know better. And my entire life, I'll be fighting- as Christians would say, to deny the desires of my flesh and be transformed to desire the things of God. 

In those moments when my confidence and security in my identity crosses the line to attitudes of superiority, and being judgmental, when my plans are simply self-centered, and when my analysis is not for the benefit of self-sacrifice and seeking wisdom but overly critical thoughts and unnecessary doubts: this is why I got the tattoo.

It's a reminder of so many aspects of Christ. What it means to be a Christian, especially in my own struggles. Who Christ is, and what His plan is, and where I fit into it.

It's two parts. Part 1:
the line is greater than the dot.
It's more like math than art. I love symbolism, (note I make a distinction between symbolism and ritual), and there's a great deal behind this. I am the dot. Essentially, my life only has meaning, and is worth anything when it's in the perspective of something greater than myself- the will and desire of God. What matters is His plan, and my life should be oriented around Christ and His priorities. Not my own. It's about seeking wisdom, and living in a way that is beyond mediocrity, beyond blending. The line is straight and narrow, it's exclusive, it can be offensive, it's powerful. God can take something broken, that  is useless and doesn't have much of a purpose ( I could have said point, but that's a horrible pun).

Part 2:
Upwards facing transparent arrow. 


This is a reminder that my life is not my own, and consequently I don't want my life to bring attention to myself, but rather point to God. The design indicates that the important part- is what the arrow is pointing at, not the arrow itself. Simple, and it's purpose is to be invisible. As noted before- this isn't something that comes naturally to me. But it's something I desire very much.

Scripture that specifically influenced my thoughts on my design include:

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 1 Peter 4:2 

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4: 1-6

It's been over 3 years since I inked this permanently on my left wrist. Every day I've failed to live what it means, but that is not the end. Failure is not how this story ends. It's a daily struggle, with this promise giving me hope.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians3:20-21

Thankful

Right now I'm constantly aware of the power of time.

I'm on the edge of drastic changes in my life- all coming right at once

1->I'm graduating college and leaving the rigid academic structure that I've known for most of my life.
2->I'm getting married and leaving the single life which I've known my entire life despite been in serious relationships for a decent part of it by societies definitions (I suppose?)
3->I'm moving to a city and leaving the culture of life I've ever known.

And... again, these will all happen in the course of 2-3 weeks. Wow.

Needless to say, when people ask me how I am, how things are going, etc., I'm kind of at a loss for words. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't anyone? How do I necessarily describe what it feels in the calm before some sort of whirlwind? Especially when the "calm" is really the last few months of my senior year at a crazy difficult college that isn't calm at all...

I'm bracing myself for change, and I'm very excited. I'm also very scared. Putting the balance into feelings, words, or actions just seems impossible.

My options then remain to go about every day as I know I... should? and do as much as I can. But the certainty of each day is this: thankfulness.

So what am I thankful for?

-right now... spell check.

-late starting mornings when I'm up till 3:30 writing

-friends- not just acquaintances. People who are willing to be a friend even when they see me for who I am.

-my siblings who've allowed me to adopt them into my life and have done likewise

-my amazing fiance, who not only puts up with me but is excited to share the rest of our lives together as a grand adventure as best friends :)

-rain

-free laundry.

-God's forgiveness- someone who sees my every sin and flaw and doesn't turn me away or worse is still and will be- the most amazing thing ever.

-long walks

-freedom

-my church. I'd be nowhere without it.

-being able to sing

-having lots of different job experiences

-Spring break next week- going to go see my Mom in Colorado is going to be amazing and so, so necessary!

-whiskey on the rocks: slowly sipped, contemplatively

-salsa

-shotgun class

-people who bother to actually get to know someone

-stuffed animals

-my car, and the chance to make long road trips or just go driving

-nail polish

-restraint. I'm thankful that I'm not a slave to my desires, because then I'd end in ruin.

Analysis...

I'm new at this. I'm not known for my skill in correctly using the English language, both in speech and in writing. But I'm willing to give it a try.

I'm someone who thinks that self-analysis should be a constant thing, but because I'm a Christian I also believe that the standards we're held to are found in Scripture. That being said, New Years is my favorite holiday. I grew up in a home that was very chaotic, culminating in high school years that I still haven't dealt with completely. Summarized it involved a my parents broken marriage, addictions of family members to heavy narcotics and alcohol (don't ever mix them) and enduring physical and psychological abuse throughout high school. It tore my family apart, and left me with deep scars, a few physical but mainly emotional and psychological. Because of that, I have pretty strong negative associations with traditional family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. So during those painful times, when I felt utterly alone, I claimed New Years as my own. The ray of hope over things I'd like to leave behind.




I love Christian holidays. But it was New Years that back then when I decided that it represented hope. I clung to it rather desperately, seeing it as the celebration as that same nerdy feeling of a blank journal or perfect piece of notebook paper. Celebrating change, especially because at one point in my life, the only hope I had was that things would change someday. My best friend at the time told me that one day I'd be able to look back on this part in life and realize that God sustained me, and got me through it.

So here I am. It's January, and I'm alive. And New Years is still my favorite holiday, because it reminds me of my personal battles that God has fought for me. And, I'm one of those way-too-annoying people who loves self-analysis. New Years is one of the few times in the year when I get to share that with people around me, even extended to complete strangers. It's a season of reflection and change. And having meaningful discussions, sometimes even if it seems obvious that they won't work to establish and seek out any new goals for the coming year.

Finally, I have to say that New Years is one day. But this should be a daily thing- self-examination, and seeking to become who we should be. But it's only truly celebrated on one day of the year. So this year- I hope to be able to follow this post with goals described and then completed. I don't see life as one big checklist, but it helps me put things in perspective.